The soap is out of reach. I cannot bathe. Raw nerves hidden under the flesh of my right
leg scream their stabbing fire up from the smallest toe to the base of my
spine. I want to rip these nerves from
their roots, slash off the leg, or numb myself to the point where no internal
or external pain can be felt, however that may be possible. The cold porcelain of the bathtub chills my
skin while compressing my hips into the shattered vertebrae through the weight
of my body. An over ambitious use of
traction may have broken my back, but that is not where my mind is going. Right now, I just want to be clean.
Friends tell me I am too young to
be broken. I do not see it as a matter
of age or time, but rather a fact of existence and experience. Merely a few years ago I was able to run,
bike, swim, play ultimate frisbee, and dream of a better tomorrow. The future was before me in whatever form I
wanted it to take. I knew I could be
anything I wanted. Now I excruciatingly
exist in a world not of my making. The
dreams of a future, without the sorrows of the present, still haunt somewhere
behind the web of bodily and societal deceit.
This was not how the world, and my part in it, was supposed to be. Yet, I recognize that this reality is what I
confront. I am sure there is a way to
deal with these problems, but right now, I just want to be clean.
College was filled with hope for
the future. I became an adult in a time
when the Cold War was over, Vietnam
was a vacation spot not a War, Iraq
was a country America
had vanquished when I was in Junior High School, and the worst national dramas
were dress stains and a failure of nationalized healthcare. My country ignored the rants of Saudi,
Japanese, and most American lunatics who attacked with weapons of mass
destruction while espousing and implementing massacres of organized religion
and distorted political theory. Our face
to the world was occupied by greed, the rising value of our technology stocks,
and a belligerence to anything that did not contribute to our personal sense of
financial security. After all, we needed
and deserved bigger salaries, bigger houses, bigger televisions, bigger cars,
and bigger serving sizes. Oh how we
consume! Did this get us to where we are
today? I would contemplate this
question, but right now, I just want to be clean.
The Republican Revolution came to
power while I was naive enough to think it a fluke. These WASP white collared grey suits promised
protection from corruption, a government for individual rights, and a big tent
party to attract votes. Yet, within a
short time of achieving power their lies, character assassinations and empty
slogans once again became the commodity of politics. The Supreme Court decided an election so that
No Child was left behind at the same time no child was allowed to advance. Science was attacked by the religiously
fervent, who drunk on their power cut government funding to social services in
order to have the White House sponsor Faith Based Initiatives. Eventually, an internationally organized
Faith Based Initiative of global proportions brought two towering icons of
American economic might tumbling down on Manhattan
and the five sided symbol of U.S.
military prowess to flames in Virginia. A field in Pennsylvania became a demonstration of the
sacrifice true heroes offer when faced with a moral choice. Would I have made the same choice? I would like to answer yes, but right now I
just want to be clean.
Instead of a government of the
people, by the people, and for the people we confront a regime that tells us
how to live, think, marry, pray, vote, invest, educate our children and
die. From Congressional and Presidential
action on Schiavo to bans on civil rights and cuts in social services, this
government has invaded our lives as it espouses a diatribe of the values of the
individual and an ownership society. It
sells itself to the highest bidding lobbyist of K Street and to a twenty-four hour media
that thrives on conflict and the personal political views of corporate
sponsors. The revolution to remove the
corrupt from power brought forth a Texas
sized Hammer of greed, a thirst for glory without leadership sacrifice, and a
war we cannot win. Soon we will have a
new justice to overturn our right to choose and all American’s rights to
equality before the law. Privacy and
national pride are becoming notions of the past as we surrender our
Constitutional rights to a vague Patriot Act and an Attorney General who
dismisses the international law on torture as quant. Can we clean this system? I would like to think so, but right now, I
just want to be clean.
When I was a child I was told that
anything was possible. I could be
anything I wanted when I grew up. I had
dreams, like every other child, of being an astronaut, fireman and cowboy. Then architecture came into my life,
promising a personal path of creation, beauty, and civic development. Alas, the War and Massacres in Bosnia haunted
my days and terrified my nights. Guilt
about these atrocities in which I played no part drew me toward international
relations with the hope that I could help save the world. In my late teens I knew all of the answers
and how to bring world peace. I set
myself on a path toward creating that utopian world. I remember that naiveté fondly, but right
now, I just want to be clean.
Through years of job insatisfaction
at influential positions within the government, blink duration relationships to
women who needed more maintenance than our under-funded inner-city schools, and
a winnowing of our personal idealism through a constant barrage of cynicism in
all media, the world has shown itself to be far less than we had hoped. Our quarter life crisis have come and gone,
and yet we are left with an existence void of meaning beyond the weekend trip
to Wal-mart to bankrupt our local stores and communities while we increase our
waistlines. Can there be more beyond
what we have seen so far? A famous piece
of ancient literature begins with the phrase “Empires wax and wane, coalesce
and are strewn asunder.” Has our Empire
run its course? Have we bankrupted our
future by consuming more than we could afford in our present? I would love to look into this, but right
now, I just want to be clean.
One of my best friends, my brother,
is serving in Iraq. Other good friends have either gone, or
returned from service there. Many sons,
daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers will never return. What of all the Iraqi’s who had nothing to do
with Weapons of Mass Destruction or the contrived link to Al Queda, the innocent
who are caught in this hell, what can become of them? Our reasons for going to war proven false
from early on we are told to stay the course, accept the losses, and hope for
the best. Can we tell the innocent Iraqi
people the same thing? Are they better
off today than they were in the past?
They have their freedom from Saddam, but run the risk of being blown up
on a street corner as they look for work.
I cannot measure the intrinsic value of these alternatives. Will the Iraqi’s be as accepting as us
Americans to their death tolls and insecurity?
I doubt it, but right now, I just want to be clean.
Trade deficits balloon on the same
scale of the national debt. Our debt and
facadic personal prosperity is financed by other countries feeding on our
greed. We cannot secure this financial
system from shock, yet we are watching this bubble grow to unsustainable
proportions.
The planet’s ozone layer
disintegrates faster than the value of my dollar. Some uberwealthy CEO’s steal from their
employees to pad their short-term prison-sentenced estates. Not all CEO’s commit these crimes, but those
who have the right connections can escape with slaps on the wrist. Will their campaign donations to our
political parties secure freedom from prosecution or can justice be
served? I don’t know, but right now, I
just want to be clean.
Where will my retirement money come
from? Social Security will not exist
when I’m old enough to qualify for it.
My investments have been stagnant since the missing Crawford village
idiot moved to Pennsylvania Avenue. My company does not offer a pension, but at
least I am lucky enough to have health insurance. Can there be a future for me when my present
is consumed by just paying for gas? I
want to think about that, but right now, I just want to be clean.
The soap is out of reach. Originally warm, the water is beginning to
chill my almost rigid body. Aches of
muscle overcompensating for disintegrating bone hinder my arm from stretching
to the hot water faucet. I attempt to
envision a future that could be. A hazy
veil of pessimism and cynicism drapes over my eyes to obscure these
possibilities just out of reach. How can
I break into that future? I want to
know, but right now, I just want to be clean.
As intractable as my personal
obstacles appear, the hope remains that if I bend in just the proper way, can
sustain just a little more pain, and reach beyond my comfort zone I can reach
the soap. I will grasp it with all my
will. If my will fails I may be lucky
enough to find a partner to help me reach.
Brushing the soaps smooth texture on my soiled and pained body will
sooth my ills. My pain will continue to
plaque me. I do not know how I will get
out of the tub. Maybe my partner can
help in that too. Nor can I figure out
how I will put my clothes on. Who knows
how to answer the imponderables of life?
At least, though, I could be clean.
