Disability
is not inability, nor does it mean we lose who we are before we were
disabled. Two years ago I was riding my
mountain bike when I had a nasty fall.
It was directly upon my right knee that I landed, damaging some nerves
and beginning a handicap I thought at the time would only be a minor setback in
life. Since that time, due to an
insurance company’s unwillingness to care for me properly, and a deteriorating
state of my body, I have gone from a minor biking injury to severe back, knee,
and nerve problems. All of these have
taken me from being an athletic, sports playing, young man and turned me into a
relatively disabled person. Now I am
lucky to make it through three hours sleep, can hardly walk without pain, have
begun losing feeling in my left arm and hand, and thus can no longer play the
sports or be nearly as active as I used to be.
Much
of my pride in myself and my capabilities before I was injured was tied to my
sports splaying and my good shape. Now,
though, I no longer possess that washboard stomach or those powerful legs. I can no longer run, let alone play a game of
soccer or ultimate frisbee. Today I have
found that biking, ironically, is the one activity I can still do without too
much pain as long as I don’t go up too many hills and avoid pressuring my knee
any. I’ve been told swimming would be
very good for me as well, but I have little access to a decent pool within
which to swim on a regular basis. I
should look into that.
I
am not nearly as disabled as most, as I can still bike, walk, and live a
relatively normal life. What I am is
less capable than I was to live the life I want. This lack of ability to do the things I used
to do hit me quite hard. Initially I
could not accept my limits. I tried to
play sports still. I tried to go to the
gym and do the same workouts I used to.
I tried to take spinning classes to get in shape. Over time I realized that these activities
were contributing to my degeneration rather than helping me recover from my
problems. I was in increasing amounts of
pain and it turned out my ego was actually damaging my body. I had to learn that I could not always be the
same active person I once was.
This
lesson has been difficult for me. It
began with me ending my participation in ultimate frisbee and soccer
teams. Then I had to give up volleyball
and most of the exercises I did at the gym.
Finally, I had to come to terms with my limitations and give up the sit-ups
that were causing severe pain in my back.
With doctors advice I have been riding my bike and doing core
strengthening exercises on a regular basis, but this is a far cry from my
former self. To this day I think
longingly of my past self, my former body, and question the future I have with
what appear to be increasing incapacities and disabilities.
Finding
out who I am while my body is going through such a transition is similar to
experiencing puberty for a second time.
Although my feet have stayed the same size, my voice does not crack, and
I no longer have to be awkward with girls because I have a loving wife, I find
myself surprised by my body everyday just as I did during those tumultuous
years of my adolescence. At that time I
did not know who I was, what I was meant to do in life, or how I would develop
as a man. These days I at least know who
I am on a spiritual, emotional and psychological level, but physically my body
is being transformed before my eyes. I
have yet to see the final product, if there ever is one, and my strengths,
abilities, and enjoyments change on an almost daily basis as my body seems to
decompose before its time.
How
does this all effect who I am as a person though? Does it change the ways I have fun? Yes.
Does it compel me to take more care in my daily life so as not to induce
pain? Of course. Most importantly, though, does it alter my
view of my place in the world and my ability to be the man I want to be? No.
The man I want to be has to include my physical self, but cannot be
determined by pinched nerves and faulty knees.
Instead it incorporates those problems into a whole built off of a
holistic person with emotions, pleasures, a history, dreams, and a sense of who
I am as an individual. These aspects of
myself can be considered my core for which my body is merely a vehicle to
transport it from place to place. Just
as humans are not determined by the polluting cars we drive, the faulty
airplanes we may take, nor the bicycles from which we may fall, all of which
are meant to get us from point A to point B, we are also not determined by the
faulty bodies with which we hold physical form in this world. These vehicles have the capability to end our
physical presence, but they cannot end our existence. Thus, there is far more to me than my mere
function as a body and there is far more to life than a great set of abs and
Saturday morning soccer.
Life
is about choices. We may choose to only
inhabit ourselves for what we can physically do. Or, we can choose to view our limitations
with a sense that just one aspect of ourselves is less than it used to be, but
overall we are still the same person. We
still laugh at the same jokes, enjoy the company of the same friends, have the
capability for creative and destructive actions, and can be considered good
people based upon our actions. I might
be revealing what some consider a weak trait here, but I would like to quote
what I think is a wonderful book despite what some conceive as its utility as a
mere children’s series. Harry Potter books have taught me some
compelling lessons in life, among which I think one of the most important for
the topic of this discussion is “It does not matter what your capabilities
are. What matters is what you choose to
do with them.” I believe that is from
the second book, but from afar I think it may also be a lesson of the entire
series. We are people with great
attributes and some as significant problems.
Yet, we are all people who, based upon our choices in life, can
experience a full and rewarding existence.
It’s not what you have, but what you do with what you have that makes
you who you are.
The
man I am is determined by my choices about my own life based upon the realities
of my condition. Of course how my body
reacts to these choices helps determines them, but it is me who has the choice
of what to do with my body and my mind.
Who I am is a product of my mind working through my body. My physical self may be less than it used to
be, but my mental and emotional self will always be who I choose to be. Thus, disability in a physical sense does not
change who I am as a person. In reality,
it provides me with a greater sense of humanity by allowing me further access
into the human condition. I’ve been
shown a part of human existence about which until now I had only ever read or
heard pretty negative things. From what
I see so far, physical disability is a complicating factor in life, and one
that has to be respected, but it’s also one from which we can learn more about
who we really are internally.
It’s
no great honor to find oneself unable to do the things that were possible in
the past. What is rewarding is to look
at the capabilities I have at present to realize that I’m still a contributing
member of society from which positive actions, ideas, and emotions can be
generated. Life is about far more than
how we get to point A or point B. It is
really about what we do on the path to those points and what our goals are when
we get there. Unless something happens
to take that away from me I will always be the man I make of myself, whether my
body functions properly, or not.
